I want to say goodbye

to my old friend, Ennui.

For the last month I’ve gradually been slipping out of my very organised and high-stressed routine. I knew that the summer was coming and I didn’t want to fuck up. I tried to run a trial of what the summer holiday could potentially be like during half-term but it failed miserably because my eyes were hurting all the time from reading and going online  (and basically doing nothing else).

When the holidays come and my stress fades away, it seems like my motivation and ability to work just plummets. Even when I’ve been planning to finish a novel this summer and a million other things. I just need to figure out how to spend my morning and afternoon hours (since I can only go online for a few hours a day and I prefer to do it in the evening) instead of moping around trying to tidy my room and going to buy random things.

Ennui. Yeah. I don’t want to talk about it too much. I’ve been getting bored of people lately. I’m not sure if it was just that we had boring conversations. But maybe they were boring people. Or maybe I was just bored of life. I don’t know.

Ennui. A lot of that lately. When I’m under pressure, there’s a million things I want to do, but can’t. Now, there is plenty of time but I’m lacking in motivation. I don’t know what to do.

But I don’t want boredom or indecision to get the best of me the summer. It’s simply not happening. I’m going on holiday for around a week, so hopefully that will make me a bit more awake and energetic. I’ll come back, make a schedule, and do my shit.

I’ve got many headaches lately and I’m not sure why. Since I’ve not been around many people lately, I think I can rule out social anxiety. Stress is also unlikely. Reading or going too much doesn’t make much sense either because I’ve only been online for like 2 hours or less today (record! ha…). Maybe I’ve got the post-high pressure environment headaches that this person I know has… More pessimistically, it might be due to a deficiency in something.

Anyway, I’m ordering vegetarian supplements when I come back, a long with books I will definitely read! Although to be honest, I don’t have a piece of fiction that I’m dying to read this summer, which is somewhat concerning.

Things I want to do this summer:
– Finish my novel (the first one at least, I want to move on to the second if possible)
– Do subject-specific reading and prepare more for my application process
– Learn about more histories
– Pick up drawing again and improve skills
– Learn to cook
– Learn to programme
– Make revision notes
– Analyse anime
– Have fun and live!