Sometimes it feels like I’ve got a war in my mind
I want to get off, but I keep ridin’ the ride
I never really noticed that I had to decide
To play someone’s game or live my own life
And now I do
I wanna move
Out of the black (out of the black)
Into the blue (into the blue)
– Lana Del Rey, Get Free
A stream of consciousness.
CN: breakdowns, anxiety, OCD, suicide
I was really looking forward to going back to university. Friends. Societies. Scenery. Shops. But the day before and the day I moved back to university, were characterised by prolonged feelings of anxious sickness, discomfort, fear.
Going back to university dug up some unhappy memories (not that I had forgotten them in the holidays) and I had to re-adjust to not living at home. I wasn’t homesick for most of the first term surprisingly. But I miss home being one place. My university accommodation resembles that of a hotel- except we’re not on holiday, we’re here to study, study, study. (Welcome back to picturesque hell).
Maybe I was more scared of coming back than I had anticipated. I was happy, because being with my friends regularly is good for my mental health. But I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I need to give myself space, but not dwell in a comfortable sadness, sickness, and know where the line should be drawn, between not bashing myself and needing to move on and overcome my problems.
Another thing, is I still haven’t really been able to get help for my problems which have been hitting head for almost a year, but have existed for a long, long time.
I did get angry at my parents today. Partly due to being on edge due to my anxiety. But partly because I’ve had to deal with being around my mum again after she came back from her holiday. And with that, the memories return, like a flood. And I was getting very angry at my father for treating me like a child and not giving me enough freedom. But then I also felt sad/bad for not having a proper farewell with my parents.
Some things are OCD, my tenedncy to ruminate and dwell on particularly melancholy and provocative aspects of my past, and get lost in spirals, thinking those things.
I will get better, I believe that.
I can’t run away from my anxiety and OCD by committing suicide. That suicide is no longer an option, is something to be proud of. But really, that is also somewhat discomforting and I still… no, no I don’t. I don’t know. I shouldn’t.
If I was physically ill, I wouldn’t treat myself so badly or be so pessimistic. But then again, they’re not the same thing.
Things are complicated, but here we go, I am seeking help, etc.
Also, netgalley reviews.
I hope things will work out.
It was okay for me to be unhappy after arriving back, even though I thought this would make me really happy.
(Note: nightline is closed- why does it only open after 7pm???)
Stream of consciousness. Prose is not there. I want to submit to the anthology this year… but it’s okay if I don’t.
P.S: I knew of “Get Free” before the lawsuit/copyright controversy, and ‘Lust for Life’ was quite an important album for me- it came out at the same time I finished my exams and was trying to begin to deal with my problems with suicide and mental health, etc. I mean, the title is Lust for Life.
P.S: I might work on my first submission today. Fingers crossed that it’s accepted.