Headfirst/there is no escape

The state of waiting is over. The race has begun. Let me be neither the tortoise or the hare, but my self (others’ lives are a scare, will explain later).

This week I finished my personal statement and university application form, which will be checked over by my teachers before I officially apply. I am not fully awake right now, I am tired but trying to escape or find some better purpose than schoolwork and homework. Dad is still not well enough to return to work, but, fortunately, his hearing aids have come!

In the morning, 3 questions I decided I would like to ask myself (in no particular order):

  1. Will my father get better?
  2. Will I get into Cambridge?
  3. Will I publish my book?

The first and last are the most important, although they are all significant for different reasons.

I have much to say, but little awakeness.

I will try to recall the sentences I weaved in my head earlier today on the journey home from school:

The self-sacrifice, holy and whole submission to the system here is comparable to the self-sacrifice that the Christian religion demands.

Reasons why I want to go to Cambridge:

  1. Beautiful place, most beloved in terms of location, architecture and atmosphere of all the universities I have visited!
  2. Awesome lecturers and supervisions- should make an interesting education!
  3. Location- close by, in case anyone in my family gets ill.
  4. Prestige…
  5. Money (I know this shit from sociology and too much sensitive data)
  6. Mixture of private/state school students
  7. My father is very smart and comes from a poor background, however he did not get into the Chinese equivalent of Oxbridge for various reasons, therefore I want to make it up for him by getting into Cambridge, because I know I stand a good chance. Also because my father has not been well so I want to make him happy.
  8. Childhood dreams… perhaps something I have little freewill over since I didn’t choose to spend my 4th birthday at Cambridge (although I did consent to it for my 16th!), that’s how things went.
  9. I have the opportunity to. When I was younger, I wasn’t particularly smart, or at least I wasn’t perceived to be. It wasn’t until I was 13 I made the decisive realisation that I could/should aim for the highest grades possible, and it wasn’t until I was 16 that I had the grades the would give me the greenlights. I have high predicted grades, but a candidate that looks good on paper must look good in the interview. Also, many people simply do not have the support to apply to Cambridge, which is why I am trying my best to use this opportunity (will leave it to you to spot the irony and the cyclical argument here…)
  10. Range! The course is run by a broad range of specialists, unlike at other universities where certain topics aren’t really given that much depth and the choices are narrower (esp. Durham).

There are probably more reasons, quite tired.

I did get a headache today.

The attitude I have to things now, means everything.

It will hurt if I do not get in, because there will definitely be noticeable swathes of people at my school who do get in.

And my father’s health, means I haven’t been able to devote my full concentration to homework.

And then, my own desire to escape this cycle of death, this death of the self (perceived).



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